Help for men who have been called, “Momma’s Boy”. If you have ever glued two things together like wood when you repair a piece of wooden furniture you know that you must clean off both surfaces, put enough glue on them and then hold the two pieces together long enough for them to make a good connection and bond till the glue dries. If you do that and use a good glue it is very hard to separate the pieces.
In marriage in order for there to be a connection and lasting bond between husband and wife you must go through a similar process. Gen 2:23 gives us the process. I call it the N/ L/ C/ process.
Gen.2:23 And Adam said this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Part one of that process is Naming:
There is a Naming that Adam does, the husband establishes the relationship when he officially, legally declares what the relationship will be, he identifies that this woman is a part of him, and she is his missing part. Adam is the one that names her, calling her woman, (Is shah) in the original language. This is what is supposed to be happening at your wedding – you are declaring to the world that this is officially, spiritually, and legally your wife, your missing part and she is now your woman. You do this before God, your family, her family, friends, enemies and past lovers. Her father passes the responsibility of her care, nurture and protection over to you when the minister asked,”who gives this woman”. You said. “I Do” and accepted the responsibility spiritually, emotionally and legally to take care of , love and provide for her.
Part two of that process is Leaving:
There is a Leaving that Adam must do: Your mother and father are your first helpers, they play a
vital role in your existence, nurture and maturity and you should always honor and appreciate them for that. However in order for the husband and wife to make a good lasting connection you must change your relationship with your mother and father. The Bible says leave your mother and father- the word leave means to leave, loose, forsake, depart from, leave behind, let alone, abandon. Why would God ask you to leave the two people who have probably done more for you than anyone else? Your mother is your first helper, she does almost all of the tasks that your wife must now pick up, she washed your clothes, prepared a home, nurtured you, comforted you, feed you, befriended you etc. These are now all the duties that your wife must pick up plus one that mother could never do. If a man does not make the
emotional, physical, and spiritual break with his parents his wife cannot make the bond as his new help meet and it can eventually destroy the marriage.
You cannot cleave until you leave mother and father because this relationship will interfere with the bonding. This is harder if the mother does not have a healthy relationship with her husband or if she doesn’t have a husband and the son has played the emotional role of husband for years. She will fight to keep her ‘little husband’ and may subconsciously or consciously look for ways to break the bonding of the marriage. You will have to be firm but loving with her, it is not your wife’s responsibility to set the boundaries with your parent(s), it will only cause war between them that you will be in the middle of.
This does not mean you do not care for your parents, it means that God is now holding you accountable to your first responsibility -your wife and then your children. When you are put in a situation of choosing to meet the needs of your mother and father or your wife and children you are spiritually, legally and emotionally responsible to meet the needs of your wife and children. Your relationship with your parents must change – You must firmly set the boundaries and they and everyone else must know that your wife comes first.
When a wife does not feel secure in the bonding she will act out in various ways, withholding sex, yelling, arguing, leaving, depression, disconnecting etc. She is created to be your helper and when another woman (your mother) is functioning in that role your wife is left to only meet your sexual needs which makes her feel used, cheap and cheated on.
To really leave you must be consistent, not turning back ; this does not change with circumstances. You do not run back to mom when things are not going well with your wife, that relationship has changed for good. If your wife is not cooking because she is angry you must either repair that relationship or learn to cook for yourself. Once that is clear to the parents and the wife is secure in her new role she will probably even help you to care for your parents. You have to put the responsibility of your parents at the foot of the cross, you cannot be the husband for two households. The Lord is able to take care of your parent(s), and with fewer human props they will learn to trust in the Lord in a more vital way.
Part three of the process is Cleaving:
Once the leaving has taken place you can now cleave which means to overtake , stick to, cling, stay with, pursue closely, follow hard. You are to be the glue that runs after and pursues your wife, God holds you responsible to do all in your power to keep the bond tight and firm and when you have done this properly you two become one flesh. In the sight of God you are like one person, flowing and moving together to serve Him. Cleaving must be maintained through hard trials, sickness, financial pressures, crisis, drama with children, mistakes and hurt.
Maintaining a healthy spiritual relationship by praying with your wife, leading your family in the study of the Word and worshipping together is the first key.
Maintaining a healthy emotional relationship by communicating, not shutting down, speaking the truth in love, forgiving one another and pushing to reconcile is the second key.
Maintaining a good sexual relationship by keeping the romance going making her feel special, showing her care, protection , complementing her will give her the motivation to keep connecting physically. This is the third key.
Do not take on substitutes to meet your sexual needs in other ways, ( fantasy, pleasuring yourself or
flirting with other women) this is the one need she meets that no one else on the planet is supposed to be meeting. Sex helps a husband and wife stay connected.
More than anything this is about your vows before the Lord , He is holding you accountable to them. A poor relationship with your wife will even hinder your spiritual growth and ministry.
I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. KJV
(NLT) In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
You can’t be but so spiritually deep if God himself is hindering your prayers, you need His favor and help for every area of your life. Treat you wife with honor realizing that you inherit the promises of God together, you will not inherit all that you should by leaving her by the wayside. We can choose to get a divorce but God remembers your vows.
You are not called to be a momma’s boy but a Mighty Man of God!
Dr. Ja’Ola Walker